Thursday, February 25, 2016
Pneumonia, 💔 & Rant
I'm not even going to count this as my first post for that series.
I'm just gonna put this in as a rant
I'm sitting here in bed with pneumonia, hoping I'll be better by Monday because I have one gym that needs me, a second location that's going to be on the go, competition prep to begin after 'post anorexia' and 2 Untrained major knee reconstructions in the past 3 years ..... yet here I sit weak and sick and of course that seems to be when the pain and anger from poisoned blood, Halloween heartaches, cowardly lion liars and dying Divas seem to hit me the most.
This past three years and I guess the sum of my life has me now in a place where it's me myself and I riding solo till I die. I tried to trust again one last time and that got blown out of the water, I'm done. When you let things in and they make a fool out of you, there's a last time at some point. If blood can try to kill you, who do you trust? But I guess that's common if you go right back to the days of the Bible where blood was killing blood for riches. Pretty pathetic what people kill for nowadays - throw their own mother under the bus, their own sister under the bus, will throw anybody under the bus, sometimes it seems like the criminals have more code of ethic than some of these supposed God-fearing good people.
You try so hard to see for the good and then just keep seeing the coward, the liar, the pervert, the hypocrite…, it's really sad especially when you're so sure there's more, you can't just keep trusting to just keep getting betrayed right? And if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck right? Painful to be wrong about.
Don't you hate it when you're sick? I feel like such a crybaby lol.
Well I'm gonna keep it real. And today for me this is what's real ;)))
I'm working on my mind and my heart for such a long time now, I'm working on improving that and personal growth. I don't like being the person that writes all that crap I just wrote and I will keep working on refocus to positivity, I've had some really good days there ….. now to stay there longer.
I find it the bulk of my work to refocus when I keep feeling the pain from the past creep up because it's never going to allow me to move forward, it really is like shackles and it really is 'you in control' me in control of my thoughts, emotions, feelings and my mind.
Pain needs to be forgotten, left back and at this point the forgiving and forgetting part ….. I don't seem to so far and don't know I can ever do that but amnesia is a good way to go for me ;)))
Wishing ill on others, even if I'm justified for, good stuff isn't going to come if that's where my heads at and it's going to poison the already awesome stuff that's happening and I've seen that on days when I'm really wobbling out, it starts to affect the good stuff because I'm so unable to focus anywhere other than pain. Just like the law of attraction… It Just keeps bringing more circumstances and rendezvous's and situations that cause pain. Besides - poison money from death begets same - I might actually feel sorry for some of those people because you can't do such evil shit and not have evil in your life from it.
If you feel like a victim you bring more stuff that's going to make you feel like a victim, you just keep attracting it. I need to get onto the victor side of the stick. When I've been there I've seen the positive results come easy and effortlessly exactly what I want in better detail than I could've imagined.
In the end it's not the others that are getting poisoned it's me poisoning myself, they don't deserve my energy or thought because they didn't value me, my gifts, my sacrifices, my love my compassion, my loyalty, my forgiveness, my trust… none of it was valued.
I guess the anger comes from having even offered that to those who didn't deserve it but took it willingly yet never recognized it or appreciated it. I'm sure there's a bunch of you who are actually reading this right now saying yup been there done that…. I know I'm not the only one and that's probably why am open enough to share this.
If I can keep focused on the positive things in my life I know they will flourish and bring more positivity, some of this other crap the creeps in my head every once in a while and obviously when I'm weak and sick LOL
just ends up attracting more crap affecting on to the positive stuff that's been happening and I can't give that kind of power to poison. It's my job to stop introducing the poison because the poison isn't there anymore it's my mind keeps bringing it back.
So rant over!!
Moving forward, time to start looking at how to treat a girl who's an experienced competitor client at my age, coming in with poor rehabilitation on 2 knee reconstructs on same knee, a ton of atrophy, malnourishment and a shrunken stomach that's got a worse temper than any bitchy woman I've ever met.
There's been very little working out for the last three years, my body does not only need to come back for stage quality physique but fitness performance because I don't just do the 'stand up and look pretty categories'… I do fitness baby ;)))
If it was an easy category then they would have 2 hundred girls entering just like bikini lol.
So when I'm feeling better I'll start my fitness, prep blog and let you know how I'm going to attack this girl client, what kind of foods, what kind of training, she has some very specific needs that are quite unique ;)))
Ha ha I've always been unique but I'm definitely not doing a typical comp prep.
And that's how I refocus to some positive. I look forward to accomplishing these goals and feeling strong and titanium again.
This is one area I'm really confident in. I know I can achieve what I want, it's an excellent place to focus because there's no wobble or resistance really. I do have work to do but I also know what my body will do for me that's why I can already see it done, let me tell you it's amaaaaaaazing!! Lol
Enough emo shit - time to heal up n go lift some mf weights!!!